Mental Discipline

Mental Discipline

It's the end of July, and I am brand new to ADF. I can't say I am sure how to begin. I know I don't want to set a day aside, make meditating a scheduled part of any given day. To me, that isn't going to be, well, comforting, relaxing. That would just be another part of my daily regimen or perhaps a bi-weekly regimen. I want more than that from learning to meditate, from meditation. I want to be able to find my mind enjoying the time spent alone and silent. I want to find that I AM in that moment. I am able to release and control my time of meditation. Not just setting there like a lump, hoping for something to happen. I will be a complete part of meditating or not participate at all. I read the Two Powers, I listened to the Two Powers recording, and I still am not too sure I am ready to do this. I think I'm going to have to wait to begin. I have realized my body and mind are just not ready to work together towards a greater understanding and improvement of each other.

It's September now. I didn't even attempt meditating in August. I knew I wasn't ready, still. My mind is so busy all the time. I have to figure out how to let myself go. Let myself relax and go where I need to take me. Mabon is now approaching. I can feel the changes beginning in the weather, in the season and I feel that I am ready to try. To try to meditate and let the experience happen. In reading the Two Powers again, I find that I am more understanding not only of the "process", but what to expect of myself. I have a nice, over-sized, bean bag chair that is just perfect to meditate in. I saved "Druid chants" for myself on Youtube, in a play list. I turned that on low. There are many of them, so that is able to play, over and over. I sat, still, silently, eyes closed, hands on my lap...and nothing. I couldn't erase or clear my mind. I couldn't picture or envision anything, no matter how hard I tried. I found my eyes wanting to open. Every single noise had me wanting to see what was going on around me. My first attempt to me, was a bust. Until I realized I had lost some time and had been sitting there for over 15 minutes and I thought I had tried for barely 5. Learning! I will keep trying.

October and I am now able to understand what I need to do to meditate. It is in Me that it has to happen, as much as the preparations. So, I am now becoming more comfortable with meditation and what it all means for myself, my body and my mind. I've had to skip the Two Powers for now and decided to try JUST meditating, if you will. I'm using the "Druid chants", still. As I listen to this *music*, listen to to my breathing, I found myself becoming the sounds, music, voices, until myself and that are one. I then, finally, found the black, the nothing, my mind cleared. I have found that I could just, be. It took me over a month to find this, but I did. In this, at first, I merely began to weightlessly float. It was peaceful, nothing frightening. Relaxing, I found. Almost as if I had set a timer, I would wake up. I would think it was 5 minutes, 10 minutes and I had been 'under' up to 20 plus minutes. Now, I have to learn control.

November and December, such beautiful awareness. I am more. I am. I listen and learn in my subconscious. A beautiful mix of the music, my mind and timeless control. But, now...even though I am somewhat aware of my surroundings, nothing gets in and disturbs me. I can understand more and more of the release of meditating. Of the mental aspect of being able to be. To set yourself and your mind at ease and gain the peace we all need to have within and of ourselves. I now take myself to small planes of understanding, of learning. I know that I am going to continue to grow in my meditations, as I become more and more comfortable with letting my own mind go. Letting my mind relax and find release. I look forward to having complete discipline during meditation. I know this is not something I can learn in just a few months. I have time. I am still in training, still learning. I can and will get there. 

January, such a deciding month in my life, as I realized I can meditate. I am able to just be. To be in tune. To attune myself to be within myself. I am able to release and cleanse my mind and spirit. To have been able to take my angry person, my angry spirit and bring in the calm was very amazing to me. I’m human and I’m going to get mad, but I don’t feel the anger of a bar fighter who has just been released from being in prison half his life. When I’m mad, I say I am and why. That is very refreshing. I never knew a life could exist without being that angry when one gets mad or upset. Yes, I can truthfully say that to “try” to mediate in less than 5 months won’t cut it. You have to be diligent in the time you give of and for yourself, in order to be able to learn mediation. I’m on the right track.

I really didn't know what to expect when I began on this path. Started meditating as one would do for betterment of their body and mind. I'm not even certain I understand it all today. But, I will say I believe I am on the right track to becoming a better me, through meditating. I started my meditations at once a week and set myself time at 4 times a week. I did average no less than 3 times a week and some weeks 5 times. I gave myself no time limit, during these times as I allowed for a few hours to myself to mediate. I prefer the quiet of the evenings, after 6 pm. I am not harried nor hassled for anything after this time. If I would call it normal, my meditations normally were no less than 15 minutes and many times over 30 minutes. As I grow in my meditations I know time will have no meaning, yet I will still have time set aside for just that. (1,140)